Kitty

Just Jess: Writing & Editing

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Revised Logline Critique Round - #11
Kitty
justjess
TITLE: Incandescent
GENRE: Romantic suspense

After crash landing a drug dealer’s plane, Jack stumbles into the world of Seely Davis, reclusive horse-whisperer. Jack seems to always be one step behind the dirty DEA agent that burned him and they’ll have to dodge bullets, avalanches and bombs as they fall in love - if only Seely’s past doesn’t cripple her future.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

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I like this a lot and would definitely want to read more. If Jack is your protagonist, I'd use his last name since you've used Seely's. Also, who is Jack? He crash lands a drug dealer's plane, but is he a "good guy", a "bad guy", somewhere in the middle? Give us a little idea of who he is, i.e. undercover cop Jack...

You're really close here. It could use some streamlining ie:

Special agent Jack crash lands a drug dealer's plane onto Seely Davis, reclusive horse-whisper's ranch. Jack is always one step behind..."

Make it clear that Jack is not a drug dealer...

You had me at "reclusive horse-whisperer".

The dirty DEA agent is a person so I think it should be "who" burned him, not "that".

Thanks all! This has been fun AND educational. Latest re-write goes:

After crash landing a drug dealer's plan, undercover DEA agent Jack Ripley stumbles into the world of Seely Davis, reclusive horse-whisperer. Jack seems to always be one step behind the dirty agent that burned him and they'll have to dodge bullets, avalanches and bombs as they fall in love - if only Seely's past doesn't cripple her future.

*sigh* almost ready to query...
Jo Lawler

I like this revision. Is Jack a drug dealer? That's one unclear detail that seems to get readers a little stuck. This is more copyediting than content, but I'd rewrite the last sentence as:
"Jack always seems to be one step behind the dirty agent who burned him, and they'll have to dodge bullets, avalanches and bombs as they fall in love - if Seely's [descriptor? I'd like a clue as to what's up with her past] past doesn't cripple their future together."

Getting there! I love the premise, and I'd read this book.

I'm still unclear on whether Jack is a drug dealer or a good guy. Is he also a DEA agent and his cover got blown? A bit more clarity would help us place who the characters are and where they're coming from.

As written, their goal is to fall in love which seems contrary to most romance novels where the goal is NOT to fall in love (or to fall in love with someone else) but they always fall in love anyway. I think this would be stronger if you show both of their goals and how these will both oppose each other and intersect at the same time. For example, he just wants to beat this nemesis drug dealer and she just wants to be left alone with her horses but he needs her to beat him and she needs him to???

Holly


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