Kitty

Just Jess: Writing & Editing

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Revised Logline Critique Round - #11
Kitty
justjess
TITLE: Incandescent
GENRE: Romantic suspense

After crash landing a drug dealer’s plane, Jack stumbles into the world of Seely Davis, reclusive horse-whisperer. Jack seems to always be one step behind the dirty DEA agent that burned him and they’ll have to dodge bullets, avalanches and bombs as they fall in love - if only Seely’s past doesn’t cripple her future.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

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Thanks all! This has been fun AND educational. Latest re-write goes:

After crash landing a drug dealer's plan, undercover DEA agent Jack Ripley stumbles into the world of Seely Davis, reclusive horse-whisperer. Jack seems to always be one step behind the dirty agent that burned him and they'll have to dodge bullets, avalanches and bombs as they fall in love - if only Seely's past doesn't cripple her future.

*sigh* almost ready to query...
Jo Lawler

I like this revision. Is Jack a drug dealer? That's one unclear detail that seems to get readers a little stuck. This is more copyediting than content, but I'd rewrite the last sentence as:
"Jack always seems to be one step behind the dirty agent who burned him, and they'll have to dodge bullets, avalanches and bombs as they fall in love - if Seely's [descriptor? I'd like a clue as to what's up with her past] past doesn't cripple their future together."

Getting there! I love the premise, and I'd read this book.

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