Kitty

Just Jess: Writing & Editing

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Revised Logline Critique Round - #12
Kitty
justjess
TITLE: CRACKED
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy


Charmingly wicked half-demon Meda is forced to hide from hell’s army in a school for demon-hunters--who mistakenly believe she’s a saint. Now she must figure out why the demons are after her (or, more importantly, how to make them un-after her) before her hosts figure out her goal isn’t world peace--just not to get ripped to pieces.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

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I like this revised version, the only thing I'd say is you can take out the part in parentheses because it doesn't add anything important and the logline is strong without it.

I second AE Martin. Otherwise, it looks great to me!

Cracked

(Anonymous)
The first line is excellent. I'd stop there, as it leaves my imagination going wild. The second line narrows the story and includes the echo of "figure out," which isn't a strong phrase to begin with.

"Who mistakenly believe she's a saint"--made me smile. Would definitely read this!

I like this-especially the first line. I don't like the term "un-after", I get it, but think it unnecessarily complicates. And I think you could leave off the last --"just not to get ripped to pieces."

I actually liked the parenthetical phrase as it is worded, because it gave me a better feel for the character. It needs to be smoother. The last line is a little clunky, too.
My thoughts...

"Charmingly wicked half-demon Meda is forced to hide from hell's army in a school for demon-hunters. She must find out why the demons are after her and stop them before her hosts discover she's not a saint bent on world peace and rip her to pieces before the demons get a chance."


I like the world you're creating with this. I'd take out the parenthetical statement, but otherwise it's very good!

I like this revision a lot. Anon's rewrite is very good, and I'd say go with that, but the second sentence might be a little long.

Maybe try:
"Charmingly wicked half-demon Meda is forced to hide from hell's army in a school for demon-hunters who mistakenly believe she's a saint. Now she must figure out why the demons are after her before her hosts learn she is bent on survival, not world peace."

"World peace" sounds a little too Miss America pageant to me, but I may have just seen "Miss Congeniality" too many times.

I like this a lot--the voice is awesome--and I'd keep reading!

1. You need something to incite this story. Why does she need to hide NOW?
2. Your goal is really unclear here. Does the story stop when she figures out who is after her and why, or does it stop when she escapes? If the latter, then the other things are the conflicts she has to overcome in order to meet the goal.
3. I can't tell who these hosts are supposed to be.
4. The world peace thing, while cute, is confusing here. What does she want and why does that oppose what Hell's Army wants? Antagonists usually want a) the same thing as the protagonist but for a different reason, or b) the opposite thing as the protagonist.

Holly

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