Kitty

Just Jess: Writing & Editing

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Revised Logline Critique Round - #13
Kitty
justjess
Title: Drifting in Darkness
Genre: New Adult, Paranormal Romance, Suspense

Recent college graduate Darcia Daniels only wants three things: a job to pay the bills, the ability to control her psychic “disability” and her hot, new neighbor; and she’s willing to keep secrets to get them. But when she discovers her neighbor is keeping secrets of his own, she must embrace her psychic gift to decipher friend from foe.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

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This is a little vague for me. What are his secrets? I feel like the "hot boy with secrets" plot is a little worn-out in the Paranormal Romance genre, so here I think you really need to be specific and show us what makes your hot paranormal guy unique.

Also, is deciphering friend from foe her main goal? That sounds more like a complication to me--not a conflict that could drive an entire plot. What are the stakes here?

I agree with ninja_turbo about the Oxord comma, and also about maybe taking out the line about her being "willing to keep secrets to get them". I don't think that line really adds anything.

Good luck!

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