Kitty

Just Jess: Writing & Editing

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Revised Logline Critique Round - #14
Kitty
justjess
TITLE: Unitus
GENRE: YA

LOGLINE: Teenage girl seeks to escape her dystopian society through alien abduction, but the alien she summons turn out to be a fierce warrior who wants to kill her.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

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I like what you have, but to slam it home for me, I'd want one more beat that would give me a sense of movement forward -- if the alien wants to kill her and has her held captive, it should be easy for said alien to do so. By giving me a bit more of a sense of what happens next, I get a sense of what else will happen.

Overall, you have done well, because my only complaint is that I want more -- and that's what you want the reader to be asking for.

Your first version had too much information, but now I feel like you've stripped it too bare. I don't feel a connection to the characters anymore. I'd suggest you at least use your protagonist's name. Other than that though, it looks like you did a great job whittling it down to the basic conflict of your book!

Just a little more here. I'd like the mc's name.

"dystopian society" is generic. Can you describe it in two or three words?

A point of clarity - is the mc kidnapping aliens or allowing herself to be kidnapped?

I wouldn't mind a hint of why the alien wants to kill her.

You have some elbow room to work with - it shouldn't take many words.

I agree that it's a little bare, but even so, I found it to be interesting. The last sentence left me asking, so what does she do? If you could answer that & maybe give us her name to connect with her better, I think this would be really good.

I agree with the commenter above who thought it needed another beat to close it out. At the moment, it ends with the alien wanting to kill her, which is not the most surprising thing when it comes to alien abduction (the surprising/interesting twist is that she is trying to get abducted.) I think it's important to include it, but maybe there could be some phrase that acknowledges that it's slightly expected. Like: "it's unfortunate when the alien turns out to be a fierce warrior..." or add another interesting plot point after it (like other suggested above) to close it out with a bang.

Super cool premise!

Pop a name in for your MC. Too much distance with, 'teenage girl.' And what sort
of dystopian society are we talking about? :)

Too generic. Give short description of character at least.

Teenage girl is too vague. Give her a name so we can connect with her. It's pretty bare, though. We need more explanation of what's going on. Is she summoning the aliens to kidnap her or is she abducting them as a means of escape?

I agree with everyone else here. You went from too complex to too bare bones. Find a happy medium, and this will work well!

Some of this has been said but...
1) You need to be more specific about the protagonist. Is she a specific age? Does she have a name? Any specific qualities that are going to make this story more interesting or challenging? There are already a ton of books about teenage girls facing dystopian societies so you need to stand out here.
2) You need something at the beginning to incite the story. WHY does she decide to escape NOW?
3) You need a little more information about how she will try to both meet her goal to escape and defeat the alien.

Holly

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