Kitty

Just Jess: Writing & Editing

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Revised Logline Critique Round - #16
Kitty
justjess
TITLE: Luminous Earth
GENRE: YA Sci-Fi

Emory is the descendant of an alien god who took refuge on Earth, and the target of an interstellar army who plan on using her to restore their planet to its former glory. Cael is a soldier, convinced that capturing her single-handedly is his chance to prove himself. But when he ends up owing her his life instead, he faces a choice: keep fighting for a cause he isn’t sure he believes in anymore, or betray his home planet and somehow keep Emory safe.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

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I don't think you need to worry about whose POV it is in a logline. Right now, this feels like Cael's story, and I think most readers, if they got to an Emory-POV chapter, would understand that her side of the story is important too. Even if it wasn't mentioned in the summary.

I think Heather's rearrangement is a good skeleton to work from. Flesh that out with some voice and specifics, and I think this would be stronger.

I agree with Adam here, on all counts. Go back to Heather's skeleton and work from there, and I think you're good to go.

Before I read all of the comments, I thought this was excellent and I didn't have any problems understanding it. But I see all of the great points about POV (and I agree with the grammatical note below), and it could probably use some work to help clarify the logline. However, I think it would work okay if you used what you have here.

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