Kitty

Just Jess: Writing & Editing

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Revised Logline Critique Round - #17
Kitty
justjess
TITLE: Ravishing Midnight
GENRE: Adult Urban Fantasy

When Demon Control officer Rieve discovers that her transplanted heart is a demon’s, she uncovers the witches’ plot to use hybrids like her to eradicate the demons and sever their dependence on demon energy for stronger magic. Only the unique power Rieve gained from her heart donor can stop the witches, who don’t realize that destroying the demons will destroy their own magic, turning their plot into an all out apocalypse.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

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I so want to read this.

I got bogged down in the explanation of the witches' plot. Can you simplify that? Maybe...

...she discovers the witches plan to use demon/human hybrids like her to eradicate the demons, and with them their magical energy. However, that will destroy the witches' own magic and Rieve must use the power from her demon heart to stop them or see an all out apocalypse.

Meh - I'm sure you can do better.

Hmm - my captcha appears to be in Hebrew - appropriate for the day.

I feel like this is very close, but there's just so much information it's a little overwhelming. Maybe you don't have to explain everything about the witches and demon magic - just the really crucial part, that their plot will inadvertently turn into an apocalypse if Rieve doesn't stop them? If this were just a bit cleaner, it really would be perfect. Good luck!

I had to read this twice before I realized it was a really interesting story idea. I think it was a little overly-wordy right in the first sentence. If you trimmed it down a bit, it'll make the awesome premise shine.

I agree with the others: simplifying will make this really strong. My recommendation would be to cut this part of the first sentence: "and sever their dependence on demon energy for stronger magic."

Also, I think all-out should be hyphenated, but I'm not sure. Maybe a different word there would be better.

Great revision. You're so close!

Ann

I do really like this story, and I like it's change. I too think that it is a little wordy, I had to read it a couple times to make sense of it.
Think Heather has given you a great example, and sure you will be able to use it to good advantage.

Really am intrigued by this idea though.

It sounds very interesting, but very complicated, which makes it hard to summarize in fewer than 100 words. ( I had the same problem). So I don't know if this will help much, but if you could be more clear, with fewer words-really tighten and explain more. Like: After discovering that her new heart derived from her enemy, Demon Control officer Rieve uncovers a plot to use demon-human hybrids...etc. You obviously understand this better.Also I got confused between the demons being the bad guys and the witches.

There's a bit too much information in this and not enough of it is relevant. Is Rieve a hybrid because of the heart or was she one to begin with? I'd cut down on the witch's plot explanation and just focus on Rieve and her actions.

I agree with everyone about the wordiness. Particularly, I think you can snip "for stronger magic" and then figure out a way to simplify the explanation of the witches' plot. Maybe:
"When Demon Control officer Rieve discovers that her transplanted heart is a demon’s, she uncovers the witches’ plot to use hybrids like her to eradicate the demons. However, the witches don’t realize that destroying the demons will destroy their own magic, turning their plot into an all out apocalypse--and only Rieve knows how to stop them."

You can probably do better, but that's how I'd tighten it up based on the information I have here.

I love the idea of this story.

Your inciting incident is leading to a discovery which kind of leads to an assumed goal with no motivation. You need to focus on telling us why SHE needs to go on this journey and what SHE will lose if she doesn't succeed.

Holly

Thanks!

(Anonymous)
Thanks a lot for the feedback, it really helped me work on the logline more and I think I have something I'm happier with.

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