Kitty

Just Jess: Writing & Editing

words. books. life.

Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Revised Logline Critique Round - #17
Kitty
justjess
TITLE: Ravishing Midnight
GENRE: Adult Urban Fantasy

When Demon Control officer Rieve discovers that her transplanted heart is a demon’s, she uncovers the witches’ plot to use hybrids like her to eradicate the demons and sever their dependence on demon energy for stronger magic. Only the unique power Rieve gained from her heart donor can stop the witches, who don’t realize that destroying the demons will destroy their own magic, turning their plot into an all out apocalypse.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

  • 1
I agree with everyone about the wordiness. Particularly, I think you can snip "for stronger magic" and then figure out a way to simplify the explanation of the witches' plot. Maybe:
"When Demon Control officer Rieve discovers that her transplanted heart is a demon’s, she uncovers the witches’ plot to use hybrids like her to eradicate the demons. However, the witches don’t realize that destroying the demons will destroy their own magic, turning their plot into an all out apocalypse--and only Rieve knows how to stop them."

You can probably do better, but that's how I'd tighten it up based on the information I have here.

I love the idea of this story.

  • 1
?

Log in