Kitty

Just Jess: Writing & Editing

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Revised Logline Critique Round - #18
Kitty
justjess
Title: Unwritten
Genre: Contemporary Fiction with Strong Romantic Elements

When pop superstar Katherine Hayes’ estranged mother launches a vicious smear campaign against her, the positive image she’s worked so hard for is tarnished. Now Kate must overcome the psychological effects of a childhood trauma to regain the respect of her fans and discovers success means nothing without the college professor who’s stolen her heart.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

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A few things:
1. I think you can streamline the description a little to just "pop star Katherine".
2. Your inciting incident is not leading to your goal. You need to word this like, "When Katherine's mother..., Katherine realizes she must GOAL." What you've written about her image being tarnished is already implied by the smear campaign.
3. I'm not sure how her goal "overcome the psychological effects of a childhood trauma" is going to result in her regaining the respect of her fans. Did she lose their respect because of the trauma? For example, if she was abused, you are saying they no longer respect her because she was abused but if she comes out and says she fine, she will be popular again.
4. How is her discovery connected to her goal? Does she have to choose between the two or is this relationship threatened by her journey? We really need to see more of the "If A, then B, but if C, then no A..." kind of thing here.

Holly

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