Kitty

Just Jess: Writing & Editing

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Revised Logline Critique Round - #19 (Lost Email)
Kitty
justjess
A last minute entry from a lost email sent within the timeframe... the Internet must have eaten it. Bad, hungry Internet.

Title: Swimming With Tchaikovsky
Genre: YA Suspense/Magical Realism

In St. Petersburg for a cello competition, Sally watches her host father get kidnapped and starts seeing visions with clues when she plays Russian music. As she tracks the clues to the upper echelons of the police department, various thugs-for-hire appear on her tail, but her host family has given her more hugs than she ever got at home, and there’s no way she’ll let them find their father in a dumpster.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

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Big improvement on the original. A few things could be tweaked. "Sally watches" just feels too passive. Maybe something like "After her host father is kidnapped, Sally starts seeing visions with clues when she plays Russian music." Move around the phrases a bit; see what works for you. Then there's the host family and hugs bit - it's important, definitely, to establish why Sally wants to find her host father so much, but this phrase just seems kind of clunky in the middle of that sentence. You might want to set up her close relationship with the family at the start, and then get to the kidnapping. Good luck!

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