Kitty

Just Jess: Writing & Editing

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Revised Logline Critique Round - #19 (Lost Email)
Kitty
justjess
A last minute entry from a lost email sent within the timeframe... the Internet must have eaten it. Bad, hungry Internet.

Title: Swimming With Tchaikovsky
Genre: YA Suspense/Magical Realism

In St. Petersburg for a cello competition, Sally watches her host father get kidnapped and starts seeing visions with clues when she plays Russian music. As she tracks the clues to the upper echelons of the police department, various thugs-for-hire appear on her tail, but her host family has given her more hugs than she ever got at home, and there’s no way she’ll let them find their father in a dumpster.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

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Wow. Great points. Thank you.

In looking at this again, I definitely agree with your suggestions. Unfortunately, I tried to rearrange things, but couldn't get anything to work well enough. So, I tried to tackle the motivation from a different angle and hopefully produced something less clunky. Let me know what you think. Thank you!!

After Sally’s Russian host father is kidnapped for trying to expose government corruption, music prompts her to see visions with clues. The clues lead Sally and her host sister to the upper echelons of the police department, but there’s no way she’s going to let this courageous man end up in a dumpster. Even if the thugs-for-hire are now following her.

I've been back and forth on whether to mention her host sister. Keeping it means more obvious motivation. Getting rid of it means a simpler, tighter result. Oh, these decisions!

This is close! I don't quite understand "music prompts her to see visions with clues"--how does the music "prompt"? I'd think it "forces" or "shows her visions...," something like that. The second and third sentences are still a little confusing too.

I'd try:
"After Sally’s Russian host father is kidnapped for trying to expose government corruption, music starts showing her visions. The visions contain clues that lead Sally to the upper echelons of the police department, [you need to connect the police department to her host father ending up in a dumpster. I'd assume it's because she's afraid to take down the cops or the government? But we need to know for sure here] but there’s no way she’s going to let her host father end up in a dumpster, even if the thugs-for-hire are now following her."

Good luck! I hope that helps.

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