Just Jess: Writing & Editing

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Revised Logline Critique Round - #13
Title: Drifting in Darkness
Genre: New Adult, Paranormal Romance, Suspense

Recent college graduate Darcia Daniels only wants three things: a job to pay the bills, the ability to control her psychic “disability” and her hot, new neighbor; and she’s willing to keep secrets to get them. But when she discovers her neighbor is keeping secrets of his own, she must embrace her psychic gift to decipher friend from foe.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

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This is a tighter logline than the original, but I miss the serial killer aspect. I think it gave your premise the hook to make it stand out as unique. If you look at where you've spent your words, there's a good portion going to pretty ordinary things. The sentences flow well, but you need your words to be working harder for you.

I would work to describe the plot focusing on: Darcia Daniels, the hot new neighbor, and psychic ability that gives her clues about the serial killer on the loose. (And I'd skip the fact that she doesn't like her pyschic ability because that's to be expected and doesn't sound that exciting.)

Good luck!

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