Just Jess: Writing & Editing

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Revised Logline Critique Round - #14
TITLE: Unitus

LOGLINE: Teenage girl seeks to escape her dystopian society through alien abduction, but the alien she summons turn out to be a fierce warrior who wants to kill her.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

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I agree with the commenter above who thought it needed another beat to close it out. At the moment, it ends with the alien wanting to kill her, which is not the most surprising thing when it comes to alien abduction (the surprising/interesting twist is that she is trying to get abducted.) I think it's important to include it, but maybe there could be some phrase that acknowledges that it's slightly expected. Like: "it's unfortunate when the alien turns out to be a fierce warrior..." or add another interesting plot point after it (like other suggested above) to close it out with a bang.

Super cool premise!

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