Just Jess: Writing & Editing

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Revised Logline Critique Round - #16
TITLE: Luminous Earth

Emory is the descendant of an alien god who took refuge on Earth, and the target of an interstellar army who plan on using her to restore their planet to its former glory. Cael is a soldier, convinced that capturing her single-handedly is his chance to prove himself. But when he ends up owing her his life instead, he faces a choice: keep fighting for a cause he isn’t sure he believes in anymore, or betray his home planet and somehow keep Emory safe.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

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I had a moment of confusion because I assumed Emory is the protag. But it appears to be Cael as he's the one with the choices. I might lead with him.

You can cut a few details for logline purposes

Here's my go:

Cael, a soldier in an interstellar army, tries to capture Emory, the descendent of an alien god who has taken refuge on Earth. But when he ends up owing her his life instead, he must betray his home planet or lose the one person he can finally love. (messing with the consequences)

I'm sure you can do something better than that.

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