Just Jess: Writing & Editing

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Revised Logline Critique Round - #16
TITLE: Luminous Earth

Emory is the descendant of an alien god who took refuge on Earth, and the target of an interstellar army who plan on using her to restore their planet to its former glory. Cael is a soldier, convinced that capturing her single-handedly is his chance to prove himself. But when he ends up owing her his life instead, he faces a choice: keep fighting for a cause he isn’t sure he believes in anymore, or betray his home planet and somehow keep Emory safe.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

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This feels too clunky with information. Zero in on Cael and use him as your focus. I like Heather's suggestions for clarifying. Only share the information that is vital to the pitch.

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